I'm sober and can't fall asleep. Can't stop thinking about what Sean Kong said earlier: "so when are you coming back to Megalife? do you hear Pasir Ris cell calling out for you?", and i know if Charmaine was listening, and even David, their response will be "But no pressure lar"

I don't know why I'm here? I planned to really take a good 2.5 year break to regroup, rest, etc..., instead I'm leading NS2 cell, officially for 1 year and 3 month, though the decision was made 1.5 years ago, 1 year after my break started. I don't even know why I decided to "help out" in NS cell(s). After PS2 I told myself I do not want to lead cell again, maybe seve in another ministry or in another capacity. I do not want to be personally responsible for all the sheep entrusted to me. I'm not sure if other leaders realize before entering leadership, that in cell ministry, you are personally accountable for all the lives under you, whether you have done your part in caring for them.

Why am I back leading cell? The NS leaders knows that I have a hard time struggling with leading the cell, especially between April till Sept last year. I personally feel that I am not ready to lead cell. my spiritual life is highly affected by my emotions, and it's so hard to control that, or try to re-wire otherwise. How am I to grow others spiritually when I am erratically barely kept afloat?

When Jeanette talked to me during the leaders appreciation dinner this year, I told her I really don't want to come back to cell ministry.

If i had a personal choice, I would even want to pass on my current (NS) ministry to someone else to take over.

But this leads me to why did i accept to "help out" in HighLife in the first place. It is not that I was tricked, or coerced, or that they are facing a shortage of leaders and as an ex-cell leader, my re-training would be minimal. I myself was sick and tired of cell ministry and all the responsibility, all the spiritual burden one must bear, etc... for crying out loud, I was on a break! But the decision was not mine, is still not mine and will never be mine. Where He leads I follow.

All through last year I have struggled, only to get the answer at last year's HighLife camp, an answer that I should have known for so very long: The burden is not mine. The ministry is not mine, it is his.

Now, I have planned to stay with leading NS2 cell till next year June, when they all move on to uni area or onelife. From then, the decision is still not mine.

Whether I stay in HighLife as a leader, leading an NS cell, or any other cell for that matter, or serving in another capacity, or serve in Megalife in PS cell, or in Megalife in another capacity, or entirely a different ministry, a different church, a different people group or rest, the decision is not mine, it's his.

What matters is not that I make the right decision, what matters the most is that I hear his voice.

So please speak loudly and clearly!

So for all wondering and asking me when i am coming back to Megalife, help me ask God too. Who knows that he may speak even louder and clearer to you than to me.

By the way, I am currently recruiting for WatchNight 2008 Planning Committee. If you have plenty of ideas and want to contribute, please contact me. I plan to have the bulk of the work done before September.